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Another day

Another day in my life gone by. I seem to be noticing the days being wasted and going by fast. Not sure if it’s a Bipolar thing or my being forty three and possibly hitting Perimenopause. I just can’t seem to focus for long periods on one thing. I’m getting no exercise these days. I was doing 6 miles a week until a couple weeks ago. My life is in some kind of limbo.

Freedom889- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone ™ © ®Freedom

Jan 11th, 2010

Been a few days since I wrote in this blog. Before I get back to where I left off, I just went to my new Psyc Doc today. She seems to be nice. I must have seemed a real mess today. Thoughts a bit scattered as I try to figure out why my body is acting up. Missed my period by 10 days, first time since my pregnancy 20 years ago. Night sweats two weeks ago. Body feeling like its time to start but nothing . Anyway, thats where I am at right now. My head has been killing me for three days now, but I will do my best to post as I can here. My apologies in advance if days lapse between postings. I could have done with out my daughters less than humorous video yesterday. Nothing I care to explain on line, just a mother’s shock, disappointment & embarrassment.

**** Not sure where I left off, somewhere around the time my grandmother died. I’d like to skip that for a moment and reflect on my appointment at my Psyc. Doc today. She asked the standard history questions. For some reason when she asked about any prior abuse I was rendered speechless. That is a subject I could write volumes on about myself, and yet I paused and even stuttered a bit. My mind went blank, than suddenly it rushed out. The look on her face as I listed a few incidents in my childhood, made me realize that I had suffered things no child should, and that I block them well. I rattled them off like they were nothing, and they have been nothing all my life, but have they really? How much of these horrors weaved they’re way into my life silently over the years? Affecting who I am and how I think and feel about things? I believe I blocked these things because thats the only way my mind could survive it all. I have seen & experienced too many things in my life. Many that I am not proud of but have molded me to be a christian minded person. I look forward to my next apt. I hope that this new Doctor can help me get stable again and to get my life in my control and not THE BEASTS. She did ask me what Bipolar is for me. I told her I am a prisoner of my mind or THE BEAST as I call it. Although i fight hard against it, and I win most of the time, There is still that element of THE BEAST that still has its grip on me. The grip that keeps me from working outside my home. From pursuing a career and using this brain I so love to use for things that will benefit others. This blog is one way I am fighting THE BEAST back. As long as I have breathe in my lungs i will speak, write and share my story in hopes that even one person can benefit from it in someway. If it keeps one person from being a prisoner to THE BEAST than I have won my battle, and I will continue to win….Until next time…Freedom889..

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I am trying to start a website of my own for this Blog. As soon as I figure it out I will post the info here…

Blog Question:

Hello to any of you that have been reading my blog. Please bear with me as I try to understand and figure out how to properly write this blog as well as the lay outs. I am trying to make paragraphs and breaks (where the stars are) but it keeps running all together. If anyone has any input on this feel free to share. I apologize in advance if the reading is difficult due to the length and my lack of knowledge on how to break up paragraphs on a blog. I ordered a blogging book today so hopefully that will help me…LOL!

**** I will be making a face book page for my blog for anyone that cares to join. I will post it sometime today…PEACE!

Freedom889

Jan 3rd,2010

GENERAL POSTING:

Welcome to a new year. I have been away for the holidays and will be back posting Monday Jan 4th,2010 for any that may be following my blog. I found a great site for anyone with a mental illness or anyone that knows someone with one.  Heading there to share my story. Check it out …

http://www.bringchange2mind.org/index.php/share-your-story

***I believe I left off with the death of my grandmother. She was the one rock that I had in my life, other than my grand father whom I called “Da”, who died in 1978. Nana, as I called my grandmother, was the one that raised me through the hell of my mother’s Bipolar cross addicted Illness, & her eventual death when I was 17 years old. The news of my grandmother’s death hit me so hard. I can still remember a conversation she and I had a couple months prior to her death. I had asked her to please not let me be the one to find her dead, as I had my grandfather and mother. Not that she had control over it, but I was obviously very tormented by the memories. It’s an incredibly hard thing for an adult to find a loved one dead, but for a child to find not one, but two close family members dead is a hell all in its self. I was so thankful to have had that discussion with my grandmother, because I was able to tell her how much I loved her, and appreciated her, as well as say good bye in a way with out the words, so I had some closeure which I never got with my mother and grandfather. I knew I was going to lose her soon. Don’t ask me how I knew, it was just a very strong, and tormenting feeling that I had deep inside every time I left her home after visits, for about four months. I cried each time I left her, fearing that I would never see her alive again, than one morning the phone rang. My than husband came into the bedroom in a panic and said my grandmother had just called and asked for me. He said she sounded odd, and than she was quiet. I ran to the phone and she was not there. I hung up and called the fire department and instructed them to break the door down if needed. ( Unfortunately when my mother died, the emergency teams could not enter the home with out permission and so she died. ) My car was having issues that day and could not drive faster than thirty miles an hour, it was maddening. When I finally arrived, the medics had her on the sofa weaving back and forth between them. I started talking to her. Begging her not to leave me alone, telling her how much I missed her. I told her how sorry I was if I caused her any sadness when I was a teenager, and than I called her doctor, and my mother’s adopted sister , who by the way was my Godmother. The one that was supposed to look after me if my mother died. What a joke! The rest is history. My grandmother, my rock had just passed away, and I was left alone. My aunt disowned me that day for reasons I never knew.

***Now that I am an adult, I realize I had some issues back when I was a teenager,what teenager wouldn’t after her mother died so tragically. My aunt never offered to help my grandmother with me. Not once did she try to help me through it. I was a good kid, all I needed was some guidance and love. You can’t expect a kid to bounce back unscathed when both parents, and the grandfather that raised you and acted as your father dies when your so young. I fell between the cracks. No one talked to me about it at all. Life just went on, and I went with it. What was I to do? So If my aunt disowned me for that, than I guess she should blame herself for not trying to help me through those deaths, after all I was just a child, she was the adult. She’s the one that left  her mother over age seventy to deal with a troubled teenager alone. How shameful. Eventually I started hanging out with the party kids, drinking beer on weekends, and staying out late. No drugs on my end, just a lot of beer. I was not offered a counselor until I was in High School and was having problems with my grades, attendance, and curfews. I eventually straightened out by the time I was eighteen. I was still a mess inside but I was a smart kid and I knew I could not live that way. Maybe that has been my curse, the ability to look & function as if I am just fine, when inside I am a mess.

****So by now I am alone, no family to speak of. My one brother is mentally disabled, and his wicked step mother refuses us communication, and my other brother turned against me because of an inheritance and so I had only my than husband and our four month old daughter. My marriage at that time was already falling apart. We were friends that never should have been together romantically, but one night of drinking with friends changed all that and we had a daughter on the way. I hate to say it that way, because children should never be thought of as a mistake and I do not look at either of my kids that way, just the marriages or person I conceived them with. Thats probably when my illness started festering due to the traumas I had already suffered, and feeling so alone at such a young age. I had no clue at that time age twenty that I was in for such a shit storm. I was smart enough to know that life was going to be hard as I had no adult family alive for moral support. I had to wing it in life with myself, my children, and my marriage.  It did not help that my first child was willful, and very temperamental. I had no clue what to do to help her, or me so I sought out counseling. Thankfully my husband, her father, was a decent guy even if we were not well suited for each other. We did mutually agree to end our marriage, and have remained cordial to each other since. I am very glad for that as I do not believe in animosity and parents fighting all the time.

***What I would give to have back the years when my illness was not out in the open, not controlling my life or trying to anyway. When I knew where the illness ends and I begin. Probably hard for those that do not have a mental illness to understand what that sentence means. Thats where the illness tries to define you. You lose yourself in your mental illness. The days of you doing something just because thats who you are as a person are over, and now suddenly everything you say or do is because you are Bipolar. Like a woman being defined by PMS. If a woman gets upset or angry suddenly it’s because she has PMS, not because she is a person with feelings that may have been upset over something. So in the end most women are defined by their biological body functions of PMS…at least by men. Thats how it is for a person with a mental disorder. People learn that you are Bipolar or some other mental disorder and suddenly things make since to them. That angry outburst you had in the office awhile back, and moments like these are chalked up to your illness, which it may have been, however not everyone is having a Bipolar Episode 24 hours a day. I assure you I was a talkative person that loved to shop long before my illness reared it’s ugly head, but now people say I am talkative & a shopper because those are my symptoms.  They even have me doing it to myself now. Second guessing my reason for being in the store and wanting to buy something. Granted I will spend myself into the poor house when I am manic, even I admit that, but this damn illness has put a label on me. A label that had me second guessing my reasons for shopping and everything I did. I cut myself off from all our family money for ten years just to ensure I would not spend our bill money. Other than child support which I spent on the kids and just a little on me, I had no money at my disposal. My current husband who is a wonderful man, got so into that role I pushed him into, that he forgot to give me money, and except for the rare occasions he never gave me money. When the child support ended I had no access to cash. Two years went by and I did not shop unless I was with my hubby. It ended up biting me in the end. It drove me mad in a sense and I eventually broke down and my husband and I had a talk. Every woman should be able to have money and shop or just know she has it if she needs it. That made me cycle into depression. Thankfully my hubby fixed that and I am now able to access money if needed. Getting a bit off track here, sorry. Being defined by this illness is wrong in so many ways in my opinion. Sure we do have issues obviously with our illness that can and should not be ignored, however being defined 24/7 as the illness to me is unfair & unhealthy. We have to know where this illness stops and where we begin. We can not just be this illness. If we are than we will be living a very hard existence. Thats where I made my mistake and it cost me over twenty years of my life hiding in seclusion. Fearful that others would pick up on the fact that I am different mentally. Feeling inferior to those that are working regular jobs while I stayed home with the kids, as well as to protect myself from mental harm. Our being Bipolar  should not define who we are and how we live. I do not mean that we should not get help with our illness or that we should not take meds to control it. Quite the opposite in fact, I take my meds everyday. I have a psychiatrist that I see regularly.  I encourage anyone with Bipolar disorder to seek assistance and find a good support system. We all need positive oust side support to beat the BEAST at his own game. If you have not taken a minute to look over the link I posted listing many famous Bipolar people please do. It’s really quite amazing to see how many highly respected people have the same illness I do, and even you if your Bipolar. It’s very helpful to know that they made something of their lives regardless of this illness. It gives me hope, courage, and the strength to try and break free of this life I have allowed this illness to create for me.Until next posting…Have a great holiday™ © ®Freedom

Looks like I may be out of the woods of depression for now. Not sure what triggered it, but I kicked it with out the use of a med other than my regular Tegretol for the Bipolar. The exercised really did the trick for me. I mean literally jumping to it, each and every time I felt that blah doom & gloom come over me. Thats a first for me.  So glad I did not have to get on Zoloft or some secondary med to get me through it! Now to recover and get on with things. My recovery method is a couple days solid of my favorite movies which are usually the entire North & South mini series or something long like that. I just got the entire 6 year series of Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman for just such and occasion, 120 hours! Everyone has their own calm down and de-stress methods, for me I need to be away from everyone, and just zone out into tv land for a day or two. Helps ease my mind from scattered thoughts, gets me focused on one thing, as well as takes me off to another place sort of like being there on vacation. Very relaxing and pampering for me. So no computer for a few days. Our holiday plans with our daughter fell through because she is sick, so we stayed home. I’ll be off the computer for the most part because I find the computer takes up too much of my time as well as makes me feel blah sometimes and this is not the time for that. I will continue with my life story at a latter date. Hubby is on vacation for a week so I will be spending my time with him after Wed. Well off to bed. Good night everyone. Wishing happy holidays to all and good clear happy thoughts!…PEACE

™ © ®Freedom